six feet under

Or at least it feels that way.

Cameron is my doctor, and he's phenominal! He truly has made a mark on my life for the better. And I trust him. Obviously one would have to do so to go through what I did. Although that trust has never been questioned I have for sure done my fair share of being a defiant patient. I blame the drugs or perhaps it was all the bedrest. Maybe it was both but I cannot be held accountable, right? So back to that whole trust thing. I believe he knows what's best for me; from a helping Stephanie recover standpoint. Do I always like his input? No. But I recognize that it's not about taking the easy way out. I MUST remember that the time invested into this last year does have sacrifices. Blood must be spilt and tears will be present. I had forgotten I am not past that point yet. I still need to give a lil more to gain a lot more.

Long story short; I have gym clearance! Do I want this alloted to me? NO But hey what the heck I just sit around all day anyways, not like the gym will hurt me. WRONG! So wrong. I used to love the gym. Now I will find any excuse to not want to go. Pretty hard to come up with an excuse when you have no job and no comittments. But it's been a few weeks now and even if it is a love hate relationship I do wake up each day feeling just that much stronger.

One of those days.

I really just had a day where I wanted to curl up in a ball and burrow into a hole for an undetermined amount of time. But if I did that than I really would never walk. Walking isn't really my love at the moment. It pains me to not be able to just jump back into a normal lifestyle. However, I knew it could never be that easy. It was totally the exception the last surgery. Hearing things like "healing ahead of schedule, and walking better than expected, stronger than ever, etc" Well I just figured mind over matter and I could defy the odds again. Well not so much. Each surgery has had its ups and downs and I can't compare. This is hard. My mum and Doc agree that it may just be that I've just forgotten how bad the pain really was last time. I don't think that's it at all. Sure it is a good explanation but you see ever since I was 9 my right foot has given me grief. It's just been my lot in life for my right foot to give me a headache. So why for one second should I act surprised that I've had issues all along the way? Do you agree with me that is okay to think this way? Because I'm saying it and yet I know there is a better deduction of reasoning here. Although I may not want to hear it at the moment I know one exists. I laugh at the thought only further proving it's validity.

Onto more pressing matters though; I made cupcakes and cookies just in the last week and have yet to care if I eat any. Just baking has made me feel like 'me' again! But really all I really want to sit back and enjoy is some good ol' ketchup chips with some iced tea.

Today I love...

My cotton jersey sheets. If there is one thing I know it's that these sheets were made with me in mind. I believe it! It makes living in my bed that much more enjoyable, or would that be tolerable ;)

An update...still in loads of pain but the drugs seem to help. I'll begin physical therapy this week, and more than willingly welcomed crutches back into my life for the time being.

Got a minute?

If so - I just want to take a minute to whine!

I'm such a baby! I am in so much pain and I feel like it's been so awful this second time around. I just think 'suffer in silence' it'll pass and all will be well.

Well it's not all well, and I am in my own lil hell hole at the moment. Gotta keep the perspective, remember it's worth it. I only slept just shy of 4 hours last night - so I'm off to bed. Hopefully the sleep will help with the pain. If not I can always settle for cupcakes.

I'm missing my rem cycle

Remember when I wasn't sleeping and this is what I felt like? Umm pretty much I'm still there.

So the other night I wasn't sleeping...it was just like any other night really. However I decided I'd take the matter into my own hands and do something besides tossing and turning. I fell onto the floor and crawled down the hall to the top to the landing. Well needless to say I was too tired by the time I got there I didn't want to make the effort to get down the stairs. {if you must know I was going to crash on the couch and watch Twilight} Well since I was too tired to go down I thought well I'll just lay here and rest a moment. Well that moment turned into several hours. I woke up with the worst pain {from the awkward sleeping postition} and dragged myself into my bed...just feet away from where I was momentarily residing. So hopefully after I get my cast off this week and downgraded to a robotic foot I'll sleep a lil more soundly. I'm not banking on that just yet though. Happy Monday my lovelies!

Best field trip YET!!

It's true, I'd rather be laying out - poolside, sipping soda and listening to some Akon or along those same lines. But seeing as duh it's frigid cold out that's out of the question. I can't wait to have this cast off and have it be summer! Best thing to look forward to...well I lie. Walking is the best thing I'm looking forward to. Oh but back to the point. Since I can't have that I'll take the next best thing. An outing! Not just an outing but a sleepover! I left the house in my pj's and have a new scenery to take in at my friends house! It's so great to be somewhere other than my house. And I LOVE it!

Off to watch another chick flick and down some Coke! No wallowing here tonight! I'm not messing around, gotta take full advantage of being out.

Grab a coke and take a sit, because I just did

I went to 3 quilt stores in 3 days. Do you know what that means?! It means I got out of the house! I of course went to the Dr but that isn't an adventure that is doom! So of course I buried myself in my bed and didn't want to come out and my mum insisted I go for a drive. I did and you know what? I had fun! We even went to Costco. Umm not as fun as last time...but I still got to drive around and eat samples! So hello of course it was amazing! Every time we manage to go out I actually never get out of the car. {with the exception of Costco well because I would do anything to drive the lil cart around.} Each day I get in the car with my ice cold coke with lime and just enjoy the view. Every time I think, "Why is it I didn't bring a book/magazine/suduko?" Instead I sit for 20-30 minutes while mum shops around. Yet I am completely content with doing just that. Until one doesn't have it you forget the simple things you take for granted.

It just reminded me of a field trip I took I'd guess in the 2nd grade. We walked to Albertson's. Doesn't that sound incredible? Well at that time it was, and that is comparable to how I feel when I get to go out. It's just nice to go somewhere new. And we even got cookies from the bakery on that field trip. Umm simple and fun! That's how these adventures are for me today. Simple yet fun! So do something today that is just that! Unless you are doomed to a hectic schedule and than I don't pity you because I've been there and done that. And don't see myself going back to that. Instead these days I watch tv like it's my job. Should I be concerned? NAH it's normal, right?

Pretty in pink!

So I did NOT want to get up today! It has been such a long week and I did so much yesterday that I just wanted to stay in bed. However if there was one thing I'd be willing to get up for it would be for a new cast! So off to the doctors - and the whole way there I was explaining to my mum that I was so excited and I was getting scared to have that stinky walking boot and pretty much wanting her to agree with me that I know what's best...umm truth be told - I don't!
                  {Not the point though.}

So I arrive to the docs and we're chattin it up and discussing what's next in the process and than he drops the news that I didn't want to hear...dun dun dun. "Ready for the boot?" UMM NO! I wanted to escape and threw a bit of a tantrum. Well it was worth it because after discussing the pros and cons of going into the boot he finally said, "Okay, what color do you want?" I was elated!  So now I have a pretty pink cast! So much better than a dumb boot that's meant for walking that I wouldn't even be allowed to walk in. So of course the right decision was made. And now I want to eat a donut! If only I had one...oh brother!

{In the mean time...I'll go party with the Barbies! Which by the way have pink casts as well!}

let me tell you

My friend always will listen to me, will take naps with me, laugh at me, tell me when I say something dumb,  come up with gay raps from those dumb things, go places with me, and best of all - he makes me feel loved without ever asking it of him!

This is Lance...have you met him? If not you should get right on that. No but really he's a nice addition to the Anderson household this last year. Pretty much he's new competition in the 'Dad's favorite' {of the single status that is} category...fyi I think I'm losing!

Watching Lance play Bop-it Extreme 2...he was wiggling his hips and really into it! It got a genuine laugh out of me so it's most definitely blog worthy.  Thus the post. He's makes up for the lack of brothers in my life at the moment. But I don't see them moving to Colorado anytime soon...so Lance will do.

Also great news! I get my cast off tomorrow...only to get another one on! But I'm proud to say I lasted an entire week without getting this one wet!

And the Nuggets won! And I spent the afternoon watching curling. Anyone else into that?? I find it really fun to watch and the men's US has a fine looking bunch of boys so maybe take a gander...just sayin ;)

An end to a long day...

I absolutely LOVE hot chocolate...especially this kind!

I ventured out today for more than just the typical dr's appt...I am so grateful I survived. I'm sure it was a combination of company and my hearts desire but either way I enjoyed church SO much! I've missed it. So after an exhausting but exciting day I'm feeling calm and relaxed and sippin on the aforementioned. 

"Can't you even IMAGINE you're in the depths of despair?"

For those that love Lucy Maud Montgomery than I'm sure you recognize where the title for my post came from...Anne had questioned Marilla. At times I ask myself what it would feel like, to despair. But Marilla comes up with the best response. "No I cannot. To despair is to turn your back on God." Well it's as simple as that. I trust my prayers are heard and my hearts desires are known...I don't walk this recovery alone. The best knowledge I have! Love to all!

I haven't had a really good nights sleep in so long...I can't even remember when that was. It's been just under a year since I began my physical therapy. I love my physical therapist because he opened my life up to an option I really had deemed off limits. I never once considered surgery as an option yet oddly enough I always knew the day would come. I just didn't know when...and after years of pain I finally knew it was a decision that would change my life. And oh how it has! I've begun to see the ways it is changing my life...and although I still battle pain it's different than any I've ever known before. I classify it as a good hurt. Because it's the road to recovery...it hurts. I hate it and I will at times wallow in my own self pity and cry for hours into the late hours of the night but I wouldn't ever take this decision back EVER! I think about the things I did want a year ago and where I wanted to be. Yeah I still want those things but I'm glad they got put on hold.

So here I am tonight...and my week has been not so wonderful...I hate the medicine but at times I feel it's my only escape. Even if just for a few hours. While waiting for the medicine to kick in I find myself reading. Several years back I began compiling a binder full of articles and talks I'd print up. So on the nights like tonight I open that up and read one. Tonight I chose one that I love for several reasons and I'd like to share just a small portion of it.

"As experiences accumulate in our lives, they add strength and support to each other. Just as the building blocks of our homes support the rest of the structure, so too do our personal life experiences become building blocks for our testimonies and add to our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ."

 full aritcle here

I'm off to cry for a bit...afterall Anne says that "Tears don't hurt like the ache does." I believe it and practice it!

{colorado summer sunrise! LOVE it! Thought I'd share it with you!} 

Don't mind me

So Tawna! I love you...and I wish you were here to celebrate with me.

Alright onto more pressing matters of my mind...I have always had this knack for if things are feeling like they are out of control or uncomfortable for me I bake/cook. Well it's SO hard to get around these days and the kitchen is the last place I should be. I can't believe that I have taken a handful of things for granted! It makes me human I know but still although much easier this time around I continue to fool myself into thinking I can do more than able. I forget that something as simple as well-actually anything that I have to get out of bed for {so everything but sleep!} is hard. However it isn't so bad once I realize sleeping helps pass the time...and sleep helps your body heal. Literally...did you know that!? I think it is so cool that our bodies know how to put us on the mend. I am beginning to feel like being alone is normal. I have trouble talking to others because I am socially inept! My Dr not my foot dr but my gen dr is so nice I love her and she met with me shortly after my last surgery. She told me texting and facebook is not a means of communication for one in my situation. It tricks my brain into thinking that I'm actually social but in reality I'm in my own world. I start to ignore and begin to lose patience and get bored quickly while others are over. So I began to notice that happening as of late. It is frustrating because I am a social person I love talking with people. It's a LOVE! But at the moment I have no enjoyment from that or anything else for that matter. I enjoy playing suduko in bed while listening to my ipod on shuffle. So now that I really have let you in more than the norm for me I figure what's it going to hurt. I'm grateful that I have individuals in my life that acknowledge me and love me and genuinely show interest. Whether I know it or not I feel it! PS how does one feel about St George, UT...they have an In n out so it can't be that bad right? Just throwin it out there!

{consider yourself warned}

Have I mentioned before that I am grateful for my surgeries? I'm sure I haven't because it's hard to admit that. But guess what? I secretly am. And in more than just the 'pain free' objective grateful sort of way.

Life is hard...life is what you make...life is fragile... and I'll be the first to admit it's easy to get caught up in the hooplah of dramatic events in my life. However I never have looked back on something and thought "wish I'd taken something of greater value from that." However I've been worried that if I'm not careful with how I spend my time as of late I may just look back on my year with that thought of wishing I'd taken more.

My surgery was a necessity; but to what extent? Having been in pain for 15 years - roughly 75 percent of my life time I had deemed it as 'life' and 'normalcy'. I am grateful for my whim to get back on a longboard that ultimately put me where I am today. And for the faith I've been blessed with to know that the end result, no matter what it may be is for my best.

It's been one of those days

What the heck it's been one of those months. I'm at my two week post surgery state of mind. I'm beginning to get irritable, lonely, hungry, and bored!

The highlight of my week - going to the Dr and getting my stitches out and a hard cast on. I was really looking forward to this for several reasons. One being I feel more safe in the hard cast, because I know that no matter what - if I don't do anything stupid ie kicking/pulling said cast off I am insured safety from harms way. Also the stitches were tight and pulling so to have them removed I figured would help bring me back into a zen state of mind.

Yeah, didn't exactly go that way. You see my Dr knows me, he has learned my ways. Therefore my cast is different than those in the past. Not going to go into detail but really he wanted to make it 'stephanie-proof' I kid you not I really thought he had succeeded. But I have a feeling give me a few more days with this nuisance and I'll have it cracked. So my skin is so dry and this cast is itchy and uncomfortable! I have been tossing and turning in bed for several hours now. But ah ha! What the tuna! I found the solution - and now I'm curious to know why I didn't ask Santa for this lil' gem this last Christmas. Either way my chopstick will have to suffice for now. I'm looking forward to the day it comes off...only to be replaced by yet another one. Oh lovely.

Why of course...

I was floored when the Nuggies swooped into LA and took that game. Utter shock pretty much. So I was only hoping they could get to UT and take that one as well. I mean first it's the Jazz. Sorry that's just how I feel. But when GK has boys starting that hardly ever have any game time in the season you know you should be worried. And was was Andersen all dressed down for? I mean esp for an away game - I'm sure you have some fans in the crowd. Either way it was a devestating first half and well pretty much up until the 4th I wasn't too hopeful. But thank you for at least showing up for the last 15. Made it interesting. Warm Regards...a fan 4ev!

Now that I'm off that lil box of humdrum onto more pressing matters.

Should I be concerned if my poor toe is bein left out? What I mean is - you guys I can't feel one of five. That ain't so bad is it? I mean it did just take part in a pretty serious surgery...I guess I'll just wait and see.

Also my arm took a few nicely gauged needles whilst in hospital mode. Well my muscle to be more exact...umm it still hurts, it's kind of the burn you get when you've been lifting and you want to go for that 'swolled up' look. Yeah I'm not lookin that way yet it sure does feel overused. Next time maybe they can just leave me on the IV instead of having a blonde moment and realizing oops took her off too soon. Yup so what happens in that scenario you may ask? Known as an IM or intramuscular. Yeah so it leaves the muscle grumpy when hello I already had a nice bandaged hand with a catheter in place...

Pretty much I think Strawberry Splash can relate to how I've felt the last few well I've stopped keeping track but let's just say it's been a while...I think I'll come out better than she did however ;)

All you need is LOVE ...

Oh and narcotics don't hurt either! Seriously next time I have surgery I think visitors should be off limits. I say things that really should be kept to myself. However that is a horse of a different color. Perhaps I'll share another day. So anyways after spending several days at the hospital I'm home and it feels nice. I could easily do without the pain part but other than that my bed and I are becoming reaquainted and it feels wonderful! Now don't all you come and see me at once! Ha ha no but seriously I think it's going to be a good recovery! Thanks to all who have been so wonderful throughout all of this!

ps it's 3 am and I am playing Sudoku for the mere fact that it is mind numbing! Help!! Any suggestions??

in preparation

So I have finally compiled what I consider to be an eclectic
collection of books to read for the next few months. I think that they
vary from biographies to cook books, to the 100 people that are
bringing the value of America down...or something like that. My
opthamologist stated to day that my eye muscles are weak because I
don't read enough. Well I think it's due to the fact that I don't work
or drive at the moment. Hmm that sounds like the underlying issue. So
to remedy the situation I now have a plethora of books and I really am
questioning whether I'll really read them at all or if I'll just enjoy
my drug induced sleep instead. I think I'll go for the sleep :) But if
I tackle a book I'll let you know if it's worth the read.

Livin' on a prayer!

Just sayin I love my friends esp friends who will pour pop rocks
directly into ones mouth. Makes your brain
rattle! I love the driving range, I love my new hair and I think that
some people take life waaaay too srsly!
Live a lil and learn to breath and let live - trust me it works! It
has been half time show for far too long and I'm
ready with my game face on to have surgery! Whoa did I just really say that?

So two weeks and counting until I hit my 8 weeks of rx bedrest! Will I survive? Will I be able to make it through this time without an ankle sprain to the oppsing foot? Will I be able to get everything on my to do list done? My paper ring countdown is quickly losing it's rings and I'm concerned time is slipping away from me. Will I be able to finish my quilt and will I ever stop craving ice cream? Stay tuned for the answer to these questions and a better post coming to a computer screen near you!

Not a creature was stirring...

Shh...do you hear that??

Nothing, eh?

It's because all is quiet in the Anderson casa this evening. Sad that everyone is gone but my ankle is pretty happy because I'm back to my routine. Embarrassing that my routine consists of sitting around most days but it's comfortable to have it silent and calm.

My family came to town for a wedding...the nieces and nephews were here and it was bliss! PURE bliss! I loved it because seriously - no contest - kids can always make you smile and feel loved. Ingenious I tell you - there is something to be learned from their abilities. It is fun to be able to play and converse with them. They teach me so much and I love it!

but alas a side dish of misery of course has to be served up with my plate of happiness...I'm sick :( I'm drugged and feelin pretty good about it though...night my lovlies*