eternally 23

So I've been thinking that 23 was a good year and I lost a year with my surgery so I felt justified in not growing up yet. But I figured that part of getting older is having some class. So my friends it's time to embrace it. Here's to being 25! And here's to the inner child within all of us...we all want to stay young, right? Or is that just me ;)

Home from Neverland

Lance says I'm growing up; and I gather this is a statement one would like to hear. I was more than happy to take it as a compliment. I'm glad that I'm recognizing that there of course are always sacrifices to be made but the end result because of said sacrifice tastes sweet. Now that recovery is over for the most part and I'm beginning to piece together my life - ah ha moments are all around. Don't let the gloomy forecast get you down...there are silver linings all around!!

six feet under

Or at least it feels that way.

Cameron is my doctor, and he's phenominal! He truly has made a mark on my life for the better. And I trust him. Obviously one would have to do so to go through what I did. Although that trust has never been questioned I have for sure done my fair share of being a defiant patient. I blame the drugs or perhaps it was all the bedrest. Maybe it was both but I cannot be held accountable, right? So back to that whole trust thing. I believe he knows what's best for me; from a helping Stephanie recover standpoint. Do I always like his input? No. But I recognize that it's not about taking the easy way out. I MUST remember that the time invested into this last year does have sacrifices. Blood must be spilt and tears will be present. I had forgotten I am not past that point yet. I still need to give a lil more to gain a lot more.

Long story short; I have gym clearance! Do I want this alloted to me? NO But hey what the heck I just sit around all day anyways, not like the gym will hurt me. WRONG! So wrong. I used to love the gym. Now I will find any excuse to not want to go. Pretty hard to come up with an excuse when you have no job and no comittments. But it's been a few weeks now and even if it is a love hate relationship I do wake up each day feeling just that much stronger.

Let's Run!

{definition of my last year-seems to be a good fit}

So now that I've had surgery and been through therapy guess what I can do? I get to begin incorporating back into my life things that before said operation I was unable to participate in.

First on the list; run! I had to learn how to walk without a turn out. It was pretty tricky but I've now got the hang of it. I'm not supposed to do any running yet. But as long as I watch the inflammation and monitor the pain levels I can begin to train for long distances.

I really love biking but after a while it gets old. So today was day two of the regime I was introduced to. It helps prep your body for running again. So basically I do all the normal therapy and stuff that I already do just adding this into the mix three times a week for 9 weeks. My pt says that in about 2 months I should be running 3 miles easy. That's what he says. We shall see - we shall see.

One of those days.

I really just had a day where I wanted to curl up in a ball and burrow into a hole for an undetermined amount of time. But if I did that than I really would never walk. Walking isn't really my love at the moment. It pains me to not be able to just jump back into a normal lifestyle. However, I knew it could never be that easy. It was totally the exception the last surgery. Hearing things like "healing ahead of schedule, and walking better than expected, stronger than ever, etc" Well I just figured mind over matter and I could defy the odds again. Well not so much. Each surgery has had its ups and downs and I can't compare. This is hard. My mum and Doc agree that it may just be that I've just forgotten how bad the pain really was last time. I don't think that's it at all. Sure it is a good explanation but you see ever since I was 9 my right foot has given me grief. It's just been my lot in life for my right foot to give me a headache. So why for one second should I act surprised that I've had issues all along the way? Do you agree with me that is okay to think this way? Because I'm saying it and yet I know there is a better deduction of reasoning here. Although I may not want to hear it at the moment I know one exists. I laugh at the thought only further proving it's validity.

Onto more pressing matters though; I made cupcakes and cookies just in the last week and have yet to care if I eat any. Just baking has made me feel like 'me' again! But really all I really want to sit back and enjoy is some good ol' ketchup chips with some iced tea.

a memory remembered, a truth told

How beautiful is this? It is a picture of a field of mustard seed. I was introduced to the vibrant fields of yellow on a visit to Canada back in 2006. It was so spectacular to see - and it went forever...as far as the eye could see. It was than that I didn't miss the mountains and realized flat was good. Flat could be beautiful! Cliche to say but 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'

I had such a wonderful experience this last week. Another truth that the Lord is aware and that He does know each of us. My dad spoke in church this last week about the love of God. And what a beautiful way with words my father has. I walked away happy that the concept was refreshed in my memory. There is one thing that will always be there, The Love of God. It's consistent - it's ever lasting - and it runs so deep...and I've come to realize in the last several months that if I have simplicity it's easier to recognize the daily proof of His hand. And as I thought about this I remembered the mustard field, and it made me happy.

Pretty in pink!

So I did NOT want to get up today! It has been such a long week and I did so much yesterday that I just wanted to stay in bed. However if there was one thing I'd be willing to get up for it would be for a new cast! So off to the doctors - and the whole way there I was explaining to my mum that I was so excited and I was getting scared to have that stinky walking boot and pretty much wanting her to agree with me that I know what's best...umm truth be told - I don't!
                  {Not the point though.}

So I arrive to the docs and we're chattin it up and discussing what's next in the process and than he drops the news that I didn't want to hear...dun dun dun. "Ready for the boot?" UMM NO! I wanted to escape and threw a bit of a tantrum. Well it was worth it because after discussing the pros and cons of going into the boot he finally said, "Okay, what color do you want?" I was elated!  So now I have a pretty pink cast! So much better than a dumb boot that's meant for walking that I wouldn't even be allowed to walk in. So of course the right decision was made. And now I want to eat a donut! If only I had one...oh brother!

{In the mean time...I'll go party with the Barbies! Which by the way have pink casts as well!}

Don't mind me

So Tawna! I love you...and I wish you were here to celebrate with me.

Alright onto more pressing matters of my mind...I have always had this knack for if things are feeling like they are out of control or uncomfortable for me I bake/cook. Well it's SO hard to get around these days and the kitchen is the last place I should be. I can't believe that I have taken a handful of things for granted! It makes me human I know but still although much easier this time around I continue to fool myself into thinking I can do more than able. I forget that something as simple as well-actually anything that I have to get out of bed for {so everything but sleep!} is hard. However it isn't so bad once I realize sleeping helps pass the time...and sleep helps your body heal. Literally...did you know that!? I think it is so cool that our bodies know how to put us on the mend. I am beginning to feel like being alone is normal. I have trouble talking to others because I am socially inept! My Dr not my foot dr but my gen dr is so nice I love her and she met with me shortly after my last surgery. She told me texting and facebook is not a means of communication for one in my situation. It tricks my brain into thinking that I'm actually social but in reality I'm in my own world. I start to ignore and begin to lose patience and get bored quickly while others are over. So I began to notice that happening as of late. It is frustrating because I am a social person I love talking with people. It's a LOVE! But at the moment I have no enjoyment from that or anything else for that matter. I enjoy playing suduko in bed while listening to my ipod on shuffle. So now that I really have let you in more than the norm for me I figure what's it going to hurt. I'm grateful that I have individuals in my life that acknowledge me and love me and genuinely show interest. Whether I know it or not I feel it! PS how does one feel about St George, UT...they have an In n out so it can't be that bad right? Just throwin it out there!

{consider yourself warned}

Have I mentioned before that I am grateful for my surgeries? I'm sure I haven't because it's hard to admit that. But guess what? I secretly am. And in more than just the 'pain free' objective grateful sort of way.

Life is hard...life is what you make...life is fragile... and I'll be the first to admit it's easy to get caught up in the hooplah of dramatic events in my life. However I never have looked back on something and thought "wish I'd taken something of greater value from that." However I've been worried that if I'm not careful with how I spend my time as of late I may just look back on my year with that thought of wishing I'd taken more.

My surgery was a necessity; but to what extent? Having been in pain for 15 years - roughly 75 percent of my life time I had deemed it as 'life' and 'normalcy'. I am grateful for my whim to get back on a longboard that ultimately put me where I am today. And for the faith I've been blessed with to know that the end result, no matter what it may be is for my best.

Livin' on a prayer!

Just sayin I love my friends esp friends who will pour pop rocks
directly into ones mouth. Makes your brain
rattle! I love the driving range, I love my new hair and I think that
some people take life waaaay too srsly!
Live a lil and learn to breath and let live - trust me it works! It
has been half time show for far too long and I'm
ready with my game face on to have surgery! Whoa did I just really say that?

What would you think if I sang out of tune?

I've been wondering what it is exactly that makes it so easy for me to not want friends.
Is it that I found myself in recovery mode in my bed for several months? Or is it who I am but try to overcompensate for it by being that friend? You know 'that' friend. I'm sure we all play that card at times. Don't get me wrong, I love socializing - that is at least I thought I did. Until that ill fated day arrived where I was drugged and just out of surgery. I all of a sudden was very choosy of who I wanted to interact with and let me tell you; it was a limited circle. And those that were there I treated down right horribly. That's how I view it anyways. It makes me sick when I have flash backs to the hospital and the things I said to others and the way I responded. My attitude has been sorely affected. It has been a long recovery process; one of which I'm still undergoing. I know that jumping into this next surgery may make it worse but hopefully it won't get the best of me and I can nip this silly attitude in the butt. I blame it on many different sources but who am I kidding...I choose to respond to the circumstances. I am the one that enables the affect things have on me. Hopefully I can continue to recognize my shortcomings and build a stronger mechanism within to allow for a more submissive attitude. Either way I knew going into these surgeries that it would change me. I'll do whatever it takes to ensure I don't let this opportunity to be a stronger and better me go to waste. Until then know that I love life, perhaps there are moments I dislike but overall LOVE is the name of the game. I hope you all are well! And enjoying this festive holiday season! Love to you*

And a quote to leave you with...I used to read up on Maya Angelou all the time while I was in high school and something I read of hers once has always stayed with me. Perhaps it will do the same for you. "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

a reunion of sorts

Remember when Dorothy is reunited with Toto after He runs away from Miss Gulch? Throughout all of Dorothy's experience in Oz - Toto was her saving grace and guiding light. He knew what she needed but ultimately she chose in the end. But Toto was always there to get her out of the thick of it all when she was in need. I have a 'Toto' in my life...I've begun recognizing just that over the last 12 weeks or so. No matter what I have a friend, who I can always trust, and turn to. And if I but communicate with Him - I know He shall hear me. Do you perhaps feel that in your own lives? It's at times hard to remember but the knowledge of it is there, trust it!

Come together

So often I forget that we all have our own rocks to hurdle in this life...and as of late that has been the case for many. But I know that there is a greater plan in all of this and that this is but a moment. My friend Laura has asked my help in promoting her mothers cd that has just been released to benefit a good family friend of theirs. If you'd like to know more go to this link. Listen to the wonderful music and let's come together in remembering that we can't do this alone. Let us help one another and love one another as we continue on our journey through life. Love you all!

Come what may - and love it!

So there is SO much going on today. In every way, shape and form! In my own life, in my family life, in my friends lives. All different scenarios but while sitting here knowing there isn't much that I can do to help the situations my sister was trying to lighten the mood and said "Remember Elder Wirthlin, Come what may and love it." We started laughing because even in the heat of the moment when everything that could go wrong does or moments when we feel like the Lord has not heard our prayers think twice. No matter where we are we can always remember the Lord does know us. He hears us and answers do come. But not always how we expect them. While on that note just to pass it along my beautiful AlexaMae is in need of prayers of comfort and love at this time. If you'd like to know more you can go to her blog. What an answer she has been in my life and I love you AlexaMae!

And here's another talk that touched my heart.

Remember friends It's not a sprint it's a marathon! Enjoy the ride even if there are a few unexpected turns along the way.

The storm that's to come

So peeps this is what I have to look forward to....granted it will be one foot vs two and I'll be in a hard cast not bandages and a boot I can remove...ha ha but either way I just laugh because this is going to be no beuno fun :( catch ya on the flip side. I head in this morning for an early cocktail hour plus a nice nappy poo and will be home and stiched up within the day. So I'll be sure to get back to you eventually.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

So have you ever noticed that no matter how much time has passed things really don't ever change that much. Maybe your hair gets a lil longer and you've moved around a few times but things don't really ever change. Kind of like how fashion has evolved over the years. Things come and go and eventually come again. I don't know how else to say it at the moment but I'll figure it out and make another appearance again soon! Loves*

Starting over...

OMGoodness! You guys I have a lovely friend in my life - her name - LUCY! I love Lucy she's there for me through the good and the bad. You may be asking 'who the tuna is Lucy?' Well peeps Lucy is my car and she's havin a rough moment in her life. I don't drive her as often as ol times because I have access to my work car and so she's neglected and sits parked for days. She must hate me right? Well I proved myself right the other day because whoa low and behold she up and bounced out on me for a week. Her starter needs replacin. Well I purchased a new starter and she's on the road to recovery. It got me to thinking that sometimes we may feel this way in our own lives. We may feel shafted or left out and lonely at times possibly abandoned. So then we evaluate and take action. Find ways to fix things up and improve and make some modifications; whether large or small. So here's to life peeps! Here's to being able to recognize that starting over with things in life are unavoidable. change is all around us and it's a constant. Let's embrace it and find the things we could do to better ourselves. I love you all and more importantly I love LUCY*

Understand!

This is just the beginning of so much change...I don't know what to say except that besides knowing I LOVE 80's music SO much at the moment I also know this is a big month for me. August is going to crammed full of events that will be firsts and lasts for me. With my surgery just around the corner I have compiled a list of things to do. Some are things that I have always been afraid to do because limitations with my ankles or things I don't do anymore because of my past surgery or things that I'll be too afraid to ever do again after my surgery. So maybe I'll share some bits and pieces with you of my list but for now I'm just excited to embark on this life changing chapter. It's like the choose your own adventure books! I used to sneak into my brothers' room and read these books. I loved them because you never knew what was coming...you decided! In a way it helped me understand more fully why things were taking place. SO peeps I love you all and did I tell you?! I'm deciding this time around and spendin the day before my surgery ----

-drum roll please-

LONGBOARDING! Wil is coming to visit that weekend and He and I are going to bust a move just like old times! It'll be my last time ever longboarding so it's really exciting but a loss of something I truly love. Yet really this surgery will make it so I can do a lot more things better I believe so really it's just longboarding. So there's one thing off my list I'll be sure to share more off it with you soon! Lata peeps*

Ouchies = no bueno

So have you ever noticed that what we think are some of the most complicated questions have the simplest solutions? Well peeps I fo sho have. I learned so much just in this short lived night. When I was younger I fell down a lot. Not my fault I am sure I was totally less accountable on all counts. But not the point at all. I would always find a need for a band aid in these times of need. They helped cover the hurt and help mask the pain. Perhaps not always doing away with the problem but in the end it would eventually dissipate. These times of blood shed taught me something that I am just barely figuring out. Although blood was spilt and not always of my own free will that band aid fixed it. That band aid eventually had to come off though, right? I hated when that day would come. It was always dreaded and painful and momentary but it was still inevitable. I couldn't avoid it forever. What to do...rip it off quickly and have pain for a moment or slowly endure it and spread it out. LAME peeps it's okay to spread love-but pain? Como que pain? I don't think so, no argument there. Here I am at the moment thinking I experienced something similar to this. I ripped that band aid off this weekend and it was empowering. It may have come slowly initially but then I thought what the heck why not?! Off it came and I broke free. It was a moment of freedom. I loved it!

A special thank you to the DJ who perhaps helped enable it; through the good and the bad tunage He was there for me. Thanks for some amazing girls who danced the night away and for a one of a kind playa to watch over and protect us. It made it safe for me to realize the wounds are healing and it's time to get over it! Loves*

I hate swimming sometimes

Have I ever mentioned how some things in life should just be admired from a distance? IF I haven't I am now. Boys for instance; sure they are great from far off but really now-get in too deep and there sometimes is no quick recovery or bounce back. So this boy I met is amazing in a lot of ways and I of course quickly loved a lot of him and tried to block out the not so great. BAD IDEA. Right ladies? I feel like he has heard me but why do I feel like he isn't getting it just yet? It isn't rocket science ladies. I blame myself for being so naive. I thought that he and I could make things work even though there is one big thing that is not a commonality for us. He seemed to understand me. But does He really? If He understood he'd show me that he heard me decline in the first place. So in comes being acknowledged. Is he acknowledging me and respecting what I have to put into whatever this is that we have? Well peeps no not at all. So long fair weather friend it was fun while it lasted. Love is still in the air so hopefully I don't have to hold my breath for too much longer in this deep water I found myself in. I can't always just sit on the beach and wait for the tide to come in, can I? Loves*